DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I've blown a few things in my day
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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