mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
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