sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
