her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
meet me or not, i'm out of control
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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