I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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