Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
