We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
