I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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