Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
