so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize