On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
