Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
im calling her cock vulture from now on
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
