i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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