I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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