apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
