Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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