I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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