In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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