he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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