The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
If I die, sorry about rent.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
