There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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