I wish my penis had an off switch
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize