he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
