An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
