mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
