I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize