I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
