My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I puked a lego.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
