Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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