I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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