Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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