I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
