i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
