Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
zippers are such a cool invention
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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