She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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