Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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