How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
