So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
