I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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