we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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