I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
