instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
