Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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