I hope mine doesn't look like that
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
