I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
