I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
