just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
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