I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
