I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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