you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
