Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
