I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
