So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
