Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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