So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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