A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
porn star boner night. come get it.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
