I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
