remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
