hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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