I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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