Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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